Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
