Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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