I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
