fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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