when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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