An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
