i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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