I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
