i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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