We won't sleep together?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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