I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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