I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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