she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
