Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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