How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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