Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
