We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
