I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
