I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
