I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
