Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
