Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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