He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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