I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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