Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
