i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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