Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
