I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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