so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
