i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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