dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
