i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You're like the curious george of whores
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
