there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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