how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
