So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
