I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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