my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
