I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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