We need to rekindle our bromance
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
