Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize