She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
