I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
ugly people sure do ruin things
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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