I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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