Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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