Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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