We named our party play list daddy issues
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
