I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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