Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
