Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
