how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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