He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I need a burrito and a hug.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize