Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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