cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
