Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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