Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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