Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
