Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize