Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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