remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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