i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
