also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
